This is what I look like when I’m sitting on the floor peeling a tangerine. I bet you’ve all wanted to know what that looks like haha. I feel so silly when I do stuff like this. Fake, posey, staged.
Being in front of a camera isn’t easy. It doesn’t come easy to me at least. I get extremely awkward and don’t know what to do with myself. I’m very self-critical, very uncomfortable with myself and my body, and I never intended to be in front of the camera at all. I’ve put on a lot of weight after my diagnosis, and I’m still not used to “the new me”.
My passion is finding interesting things, photographing them and sharing so other people can enjoy them too. I want to share the little moments and glimpses that mean something to me, and sometimes that requires me to be in front of the camera. To show a lovely new haircut, a favorite dress, or my green beret.
As it turns out, doing this is actually helping with my shyness, my anxiety and my self acceptance. I’m posing, however awkwardly and staged, out in the open around people, and trying to not be bothered if they look. Mostly they just smile at me and laugh a bit, so that’s been a very sobering experience. I’m accepting my body to my best ability, and focusing on having fun and being myself.
A lot of people struggle with this, and I do too, but I’ve come to realize that by pushing myself to be open about my issues, to push my own boundaries, and to believe in the good in people, is the best way to come to terms with myself and to try and be the best me I can be.
I’m still incredibly awkward when I’m doing a “shoot”, and I have yet to come up with a way to feel more relaxed and natural without worrying about my flaws. For now the only thing I can do is to keep pushing myself to practice and to not give up however bad I feel when I see unflattering images afterwards.
Recently I did a quick shoot at Daryl’s parents house in my Christmas dress with his mom right there in the room. Talk about feeling shy and awkward! But I did it! However, when I got home and emptied my SD card, I noticed that my boobs were totally showing! As in, my dress looked almost bodypainted on! I don’t wear a bra because of my scoliosis, and hadn’t noticed in the mirror how the velvet fabric showed off my chest.
I. Am. Mortified. Still not over it. I wore that dress all day with my boobies showing. In front of his grandma! Anyway, my point is, being the subject of your photos can be embarrassing in a number of ways, but that shouldn’t stop you from doing it and trying to get comfortable both with yourself and the camera.
How do you relax in front of a camera? Any ideas for techniques that work?
And here’s an outtake, cause I’ll always try to openly and honestly show you the truth, however difficult it is for me. ?